That’s the only way I can describe grief today. My mom passed way in May. It’s been about 3 months ago. Most days have been really bad days cycling through the so called stages of grief and dealing with regrets and the what ifs, could haves, should haves that are a big part of the…
Category: Grief
Guilt and Grief
I had planned to go see mom 3 weeks before she died. I didn’t. I was exhausted. We were working 12 hour days, I was not sleeping well. I was still grieving the death of a good friend. I was still gripped by the silent grief of a childless mother. My guilt is endless. My…
Calls to my mom
Many workdays, I’d get off work tired and just fall asleep then wake up around 11pm. Due to the time difference, it would be 7am the following morning in Nairobi. First of all, I’d wake up to find several missed calls from mom so I would return her call. I would ask what she was…
My mother’s prayers.
Yesterday marked 2 months since mom passed away from this world. I’ve been thinking a lot about her, all day most days really. But a few days ago, I started thinking about mom’s prayers, how she would wake up in the early mornings to pray for those she loved, for the sick, the elderly, the…
Why I hate summer.
I looked wistfully at the deck and wondered vaguely why I don’t sit there any more. It’s a beautiful deck, well shaded. And I used to sit here quite often a few years back. Was it the grief I’d been dealing with back to back: personal grief, a bad break up, a good friend passing…
Terrible, thanks for asking.
There’s a podcast I found a few months ago with this very name. It’s about those days or times when you feel terrible after loss, grief etc etc and someone asks you how are you? And really you feel terrible but say fine anyway. This is where I am. Where I have been for the…
I miss my mom
Not much else going on. Well a lot is. I left home on Tuesday, got back to work yesterday. Our company laid off 20 people including some very good co workers of mine. Maybe that’s why I feel so drained today. Mostly, I miss mom. I wish she had not died. I wish she was…
Returning to work
I’m expected back to work on Thursday. I’m not ready. I don’t know if I will ever be. It’s been almost 7 weeks now since mom died unexpectedly. Today I left home in Nairobi and my mom was not there for me to say goodbye to. As I boarded my flight, it hit me how…
Your empty sofa
Dear mom, you are so missed. Your absence is felt so acutely. The house feels so empty without you here sitting on your sofa. Tonight, the cat has commandeered your empty sofa. Curled up just where you used to rest your head. If I close my eyes real tight and pray harder than I’ve ever…
Where do they go?
Those who have gone before us..where do they go? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself more frequently since mom passed almost a month ago. Along with, why did she go? Why now? Why at all? Why? why? why? I don’t really care about the questions or the answers. I just want my mom back….
Authensible Musings: Piercing the mundane of everyday life 