3 years, 7 months and 17 days later..

* I think of mom every single day, every morning when I wake up, as I get ready for the day, driving in my car, doing my errands or chores, commuting to and from work, at work, surfing for something to watch before I sleep, when I awake in the night.
* Thoughts of mom do not shatter my heart so severely as they once did. Sometimes I even smile and laugh.
* The grief is not as heavy and delibitating as it was in Year 1and 2.
* I am thankful everyday for this lighter grief
* The what ifs, should haves, could haves still pop up but I have more self-compassion now. I forgive myself more and more for not being able to save my mom.
* I can play my music playlists again but now I murmur or mutter “oooh my mom” under my breath only 50-75% of the time
* It’s been a while since I woke up crying hopelessly for my mom
* I can and love watching things that make me laugh. I try to do this everyday.
* Films and shows of people dying are still often a trigger.
* I know mom would want me to be happy and make the most of my life..I am determined to do so
* I have not been able to look at my photo albums or photos of mom too much but I get the feeling that I may be able to do so soon.
* I realize how heartbreaking it must have been for mom to leave us (her children and grand children). How worried as a mother that we’d be okay. And how I owe it to my mom and to myself to process my grief, to heal and move forward. Not move on but move forward, to continue living.
* I look forward to seeing my mom again when the time comes. In the meantime, I want to live and savor life in all it’s fullness, in all it’s spectrum of highs and lows.