For as long as I can remember, there was music playing. Growing up in Nairobi, many homes didn’t have TV. We listened to the radio. There were two radio stations and they played all genres of music..African, kenyan, country, reggae, pop, rock, doo wop, soul, r&b, you name it..we listened to it.

I carried this love of music and listened to music all the time and almost everywhere..in my car, in the shower, at work, outside working in the yard, during my walks, morning, evening, night. Everywhere. All the time. Through thick or thin.

That was until mom passed away in May this year. I was initially able to listen to some music especially new music but soon after I was not able to listen to any music at all. Every song made me just cry. My grief was so raw, I couldn’t take it. Every song reminded me of mom or reminded me of before when I had a mom or when I could listen to music and do normal things without crying, without feeling that my world had ended.

So I stopped listening to music. Instead, I listened to podcasts, news programs, comedy shows and diy shows. Those were-for the most part-safe. They wouldn’t open the floodgates. Not like music did.

But somehow, I was able to listen to music today. Not for long and many songs still make me incredibly sad. But today, I was able to lean into it, feel the sadness and let it break my heart.